A few days ago, I sat me down and tried to think of things I had actually accomplished in my life. At 21, still living with my mother, medically discharged from the USAF, only taking one class due to financial concerns, with no job and no hope for one unless the USAF takes me back, you can see why my accomplishments may be hard to find.

Then I started really, seriously thinking about it.

I've been a performing musician since I was 15 (12, really, but independent since 15). I taught myself three instruments and a foreign language. I have no children, no crippling debt, no expensive or illegal vices, I'm not addicted to anything that's my fault (see previous post and add in early-onset arthritis), I'm not in an abusive relationship, selling myself, or selling drugs.

In my 21-and-a-half years, I have broken hundreds of statistics.

I'm mixed-race, and therefore should have fallen prey to gangs, drugs, or one of the many unfavorable results of unprotected promiscuous sex. I'm nonheterosexual, and therefore should have tried suicide multiple times, become an addict, or started sleeping around. I'm poor, and therefore am twice as likely to do any and all of the above.

Yet here I stand, healthy if not happy, clean if not tidy, poor but not indebted.

For someone who was destined to fail before 18, I'm doing pretty damn good.

Chronic Depression? I'll take two!

You will never know what violation is until you are a man who bleeds every month.

Every second I think about menstruation, every time I'm reminded of it, I have to bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying out at the injustice of it. It's worse than having breasts, worse than the sheer fact of having a vagina, worse than not being able to grow a beard or being taken for a woman no matter how hard I work at passing.

I've been raped. This is so, so much worse.

This happens every 28 days for four days. Lucky me, I bleed heavily. Even more lucky me, I get cramps to kill a small animal. To pile on top of that, I can't take painkillers unless I'm dying, because I become physically dependent on them. Oh, and I get fatigue, worse so because I'm a vegetarian and my iron level is already suspect, and I am intermittently nauseous. Poster child for Murphy's Law, right here.

The worst part of it is not the bleeding, or BEING A WOMAN, it's that it is never going to change. I am too afraid of surgery and needles, too afraid to tell my family, too worried that I will fuck up the body I have irreparably. I have a nice body. On a good day, I can admit that. It's not the body I want, but it's better than most people get, and I sometimes feel ungrateful for wanting to change it.

But on days like today, where I'm curled up in a little ball trying to stifle my cries of pain and violation, I'm more than ready to go to a hospital and demand they fix this shit.

No religion can tell me about Hell. I already know.

[End note: I spent a good deal of my Senior year of high school addicted to ibuprofen, because I have a bad knee and have a genetic predisposition toward addiction. Now that I'm off the stuff, I can't take it more than once or I go through withdrawal: temperature regulation problems, phantom pain. I know nobody ever sucked dick for Tylenol, but it IS an addiction and I'm suffering because of it, so all the "hardcore addicts" can shut their face if they don't want to take me seriously.]

Try Honesty

When I started this blog, I swore that I would be honest, no matter what happened. I swore that the only changes I would make to the truth is that I would change people's name, and maybe not air any of their terribly, terribly personal dirty laundry. And so, in that spirit, I'm going to describe my current state of affairs.

I'm sleeping with someone that causes me complications, both physical and mental. I'm ridiculously attracted to someone who is much, much more together than I am. I'm simultaneously attracted to and wary of someone who is very much in love with me. I fear for losing my Twin. I miss Rabbit. All I want to do with my life is perform, but I'm too scared to chase my dreams. I have no motivation to do anything.

I want, right now, to abandon everyone but my Twin (because I cannot [not will not, cannot] abandon someone who is so much a part of me), and be alone. The reason that springs to mind is that I can't allow myself to depend on anyone, but I can't help but think that it isn't always weak to rely on others. Especially not if you do it as seldom as I do. And yet...?

I've always tried to be self-sufficient. For all I talk, anyone that really thinks about it will know that I don't say much of anything. I tell a lot of stories, and talk about people I know and care about, but I don't really talk about myself, my views, my beliefs. Up until just this past year, most of my friends didn't even know I'd been born on the East Coast.

Information is power. The more someone knows about you, the more they can manipulate you, the easier they can use you. I have things I've never trusted anyone with, things that fester inside like cancer. There are even things I've not told my Twin, not because he wouldn't understand or accept them, but because I cannot force myself to trust even him with certain things.

Some people cannot turn their back to someone unless they trust them. I know I can handle myself with all but the most specialized, trained people, and so turning my back on someone isn't a true test. Some people cannot sleep with someone unless they trust them. That's not so for me, though I will admit that I won't truly submit to someone unless they have more trust than I've yet given to anyone. (except to Rabbit, but that happens to be its own story)

A true show of trust, for me, is to tell someone something I consider sensitive information. If I tell you, for example, about my religious/spiritual beliefs, it's a show of trust. If I tell you about where I've lived and how I've lived, it's a show of trust.

"No matter how trust-worthy someone may seem, there is always a let down." This has practically been my life story, and it's growing old. I lost Rabbit to my own insecurities and paranoia, and I know not only do I not deserve her back, it's unlikely I'll find another like her.

And I'm sure I could continue on in this vein for quite a while, but unfortunately for those of you annonymice who are actually interested in my laments, I have a Final to do and Heroes to catch up on. C'est la vie.

Today started out with my being woken up to go to class with NathanRepo. Being that it was many hours before the time I normally woke up, this did not bode well. I am a very nocturnal person, and natural light does not agree with me.

We got to our college and I stalked DatingAJew to his class, catching up with him. We were friends back when I was in high school, but recently lost contact. Since he's now attending my college, I'm very excited, and we spent the walk to his class catching up.

After that, I booked it to the lower level to find Oz, the girl I adopted my sophomore year. Much glomping and glee ensued, and I was very excited to have found two people I thought I'd lost to adulthood.

The rest of the day consisted of DatingAJew, me, Oz, and a few other people sitting in chairs in the college cafeteria, around a space where a table probably should have been but wasn't, swapping stories and being crazy college students. The best quote, by far, of the entire time was

some guy: Okay, everyone say how long it's been since you got laid. Go. -points to Oz-
Oz: ...twelve months.
me: Uh, -checks someone's cell phone- about twelve hours.
Oz: -glares- I hate you, mom.

After that, NathanRepo and I departed campus to go play DnD with Pavi, FuckingMoaners, PipeCleanerPenis, CannonFodder, Bodyguard and Beardface. Suffice to say, hilarity ensued.

But the real highlight of this entry is what happened afterward, when NathanRepo, Bodyguard and I were on our way to NathanRepo's house. His car died. And when I say car, I mean that this thing is nearly as old as Pavi and Everyman. And when I say car, I mean Jeep. So, a fucking ton of steel just died about half a mile from the nearest gas station.

Half a mile is not that far on foot. Half a mile is not that far crawling. Half a mile is very, very far when there are only two people pushing and one steering. Half an hour after we started pushing, we had a Good Samaritan stop and offer to buy us gas. Naturally we accepted, and our thighs and shoulders thanked us for it.

After another fifteen minutes or so, he came back with a can of gas, and we gassed up and went on our way, with profound thanks for our Savior.

Best part?

He had a headlight out.

This has nothing to do with the rest of the entry, but today I was accused of going into the "way-back machine" because I said that there was no Dana, only Zuul. I feel so dated.

I think I'm incapable of having a healthy relationship with a guy. I have perfectly fine relationships with MtFs, FtMs, and other berdache. I have a few faint friendships with fags, and a complicated relationship with a very metrosexual man, but I do not have a man with whom I have a simple, uncomplicated, healthy relationship.

I have my Twin, with whom I am pretty co-dependant. I don't think either of us likes it very much, but we do depend on one another, and when he goes into the military, I am going to be lost. We also had a love-hate (more like inseperable-loathing) relationship for the first seven years of our friendship. I don't think that qualifies.

I have my relationship NathanRepo, which could be its own series of entries by itself. Firstly, he's a heterosexual male and I'm a woman-inclined person with gender issues. Any involvement beyond friendship is going to be complicated beyond normal relationship issues, and I think I can safely say we've passed the "just friends" stage.

Then there is the MtF I'm madly in lust with, who definitely doesn't count because she's female.

My father is estranged, my grandfather is an oldschool Irishman who could never accept all of who I am, the man who I grew up calling "Dad" is too unreliable to have a real relationship with, and the rest of my friends are chicks. (This entry could just as easily be about how I can't have a healthy relationship with women if not for Shilo, with whom I have a pretty healthy, simple friendship).

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me that can't seem to have decent friendships/relationships, and then I listen to a friend vent about their tangled weave. I can only hope that there are people in the world for whom this isn't the status quo, because it is very depressing to think that only having fucked up relationships is the human condition.

What about you, annonymice? Do you have any simple relationships?

First and foremost, before you get your hopes up, let me tell you this: I did not get laid opening night. Trust me, I am just as disappointed as you are, even moreso because the evening had such potential.

Twice that night I had AmberSweet in my lap, straddling my hips. We're such a tight-knit group that was her being on top of me was not thought odd. Thank the goddess for small favors. Also, at some point backstage, Faceman grabbed both AmberSweet and I, making us into a small but very close lump of sexy. That combined with some not-particularly-subtle things Faceman had said earlier in the night (noteably: "AmberSweet's kitchen island is open") got my hopes up that maybe my opening night lay would be with the two of them. First potential encounter.

[Sidenote: we had a particularly funny quote of the night. Our Bodyguard and Shilo were all over each other all throughout our downtime. I don't mean they were as bad as Faceman and AmberSweet, but there was definitely some being-on-laps and some where-the-fuck-did-they-go. During Zombieland, a bunch of the cast were sitting in the front row, watching the movie because really, what the fuck else were we going to do? It started out with at least six of us, including myself, Bodyguard, Shilo, Everyman and Pavi. At some point the rest of the cast left the theatre, leaving the seating order as follows: Everyman, Bodyguard + Shilo, then me. Realizing that Bodyguard and Shilo were curled up together as best they can be with the seats they were in, I lean forward and stage-whisper to Everyman: "Psst! I've got a secret. Come with me so I can tell you." He obligingly follows me and we go out into the lobby. Once we're out of the theatre, I tell him, "here's my secret: we were cockblocking." Not the best quote of the weekend, but certainly the best quote of the night.]

Later that night, when we opened up the theatre and were finally admitting people into our pre-show rave, I was working security at the door. "Working security" at a midnight show like that typically involves patting people down and trying to be as professional as possible about it. Naturally, I was in my element. Every woman that came in got checked by me, all the guys by Everyman, and I offered everyone a greeting and a chance to buy some Zydrate (that is, a glowstick). I sold quite a few (though Shilo sold more, that bitch), and one girl bought three, something I was particularly happy about.

At some point it was decided that some of the cast should be onstage raving (a brilliant idea, actually), and I left the Z(ydrate) to Shilo, asking her to work in my place. I got up on stage with AmberSweet and MagMarni (I had to teach the both of them how to rave, incidentally), but they soon got offstage and I was left by myself. Not particularly wanting to rave by myself, I called into the rave crowd for a lady partner, and who should answer the call but the girl who bought three glowsticks? I took her hand to help her up the very narrow stairs, and was quite surprised to find that she didn't let go of my hand when she got up there. We danced through at least two songs, but I had to go check Z sales and bid the lady adieu. Seeing as a few of her friends were working concessions that night, she was likely going to be there even through the post-show hobnobbing, and I made a mental note to talk to her after the show. Second potential encounter.

The second-to-last scene in the movie is me by myself, working with a prop that the troupe doesn't actually own. Naturally, this is a problem, but I decided that I would distract the audience by stripping. This worked wondefully (people that go to midnight shows love nudity, even if it's only partial nudity considering I was covered by my sexycorset), and the entire front row of assumedly legal girls was going apeshit. I don't actually know how many more potential encounters that happened to be, but let's be safe and say I was up to five.

After the show, I go to talk to some of the girls who had been eyeballing me throughout the show, only to see Rabbit. I made some polite excuse to the girls and went to talk to Rabbit. Between talking with Rabbit and being dead-tired, I didn't end up flirting with any of the Repo!-goers, nor did I manage to hitch a ride home with Faceman and AmberSweet to take advantage of the kitchen island.

Fuck my life.

The rest of the weekend went much better. After going to NathanRepo's with Bodyguard, I slept like a rock, and the next day we went to Rising. (Rising is a Live-Action Survival Horror game in which you get a footlong padded stick and get to beat people dressed up like zombies. Suffice to say the male portion of our cast was all over that like white girls on an NBA player). Joining us were Pavi, Faceman, RottiLargo CannonFodder, Everyman, Everyman's brother, and two of Everyman's brother's friends.

[Looking back, considering how much of the cast was there, Rising was more or less the unofficial cast party. Due to lack of location we didn't get to have an official cast party, much to our disappointment.]

After a good three hours of killing zombies (I managed to survive the scenario, and now have a very nifty .22 bullet that says RISING on it), NathanRepo and I dropped off Bodyguard, Pavi, Everyman and CannonFodder at Bodyguard's house so they could go to FuckingMoaners' house, and NathanRepo and I headed to a party at DD-MagMarni's apartment. (DD is another theatre troupe that does Repo!).

It being a costume party, I was in costume as Graverobber sans white makeup, and NathanRepo was in costume as a generic doctor. I had a bag of Z in my coat, in the hopes that someone would buy Z, or that I could at least have a visual prop to advertise for our next show (Black Friday, in case some of you reallife stalkers want to go). I'm pretty baseline as Graverobber as far as being attractive goes, so keep that in mind as you read.

We made it to DD-MagMarni's house in a reasonable amount of time, to find the party in full swing. In attendance were DD-Shilo, DD-Bodyguard, DD-Everywoman, DD-Nathan, and a few people whom I had never met and later classified as TheGreek, Mudkipz, EatAtJos, ZWhore, BurlyDoc and DrunkGirl. The liquor was flowing freely, the costumes were interesting but not particularly inventive, and Repo! was showing on DD-MagMarni's TV.

Being that we had nearly an entire cast of Repo! between the two theatre troupes that were there, of course we had a Repo! singalong, and because we had vocalists of every range in attendance (let me note here that NathanRepo and DD-MagMarni are trained singers of baritone and soprano range, respectively, and I'm trained to sing tenor/alto), it was a truly enjoyable experience. I don't get much of a chance to sing with people who know what they're doing, and as a result I ended up having more wine than I had planned to, because I like the effect wine has on my voice.

[More wine than I planned to translated to one glass, by the way. Hey, it was good wine, I hadn't eaten much, I had a show the night before, and I had just gotten back from three dehydrating hours of zombie killing. Also, I'm a bit of a lightweight. Suffice to say, I was a little loose-tongued.]

NathanRepo is actively chasing DD-MagMarni, so every time she and I ended up talking, I would try to deflect her to NathanRepo. I am very fond of DD-MagMarni (see the rest of this entry for details as to just how fond), but I respect that NathanRepo is interested in her, and at that point I didn't really think she was my type. How wrong I was.

Anyway, I ended up talking to the rest of the DD troupe a lot (DD-Nathan, DD-Everywoman, DD-Shilo, and DD-Bodyguard), and because they're very fun people, it was an interesting experience. Watching DD-Shilo was particularly interesting, because she was past 'three sheets to the wind' stage of drunk, and being a naturally affectionate person already, she was all over people. To illustrate, one conversation went something like this:
DD-Shilo: Heeeeey! How have you been? -hugs tightly and forgets to let go because she's drunk-
Recepient of the hug: Uh, I've been okay, DD-Shilo. -motions behind her back for her fiancee DD-Bodyguard-
DD-Bodyguard: -watches with an "it's okay, she does this all time" look on his face-

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she was coming onto people, just that she's a very sweet, very affectionate person, and it was funny watching people react to what probably seemed to them to be her coming onto them. Also, I think I'm rather in love with DD-Everywoman. She's an amazing person and a flirt, albeit a solidly married one.

[Quote of that particular night: BurlyDoc: "I like sex and all, but I also like cuddling with someone. I find that I crave that more than the actual sex. -looks to me for my input-" me: "-laughs- Not me, man. I'd rather fuck you than kiss you.". I do enjoy kissing people (I am a gigantic fan of making out), but if it's not going anywhere, or it's not just after something that went somewhere, I'm not interested, most of the time. At least not with men. Runner-up quote: DD-Everywoman: "Once the tongue comes out, it's serious."]

As with every party, someone passed out (the unfortunate girl in question being DrunkGirl), and that marked the winding-down phase of the party. The DD troupe (except, of course, for the hostess DD-MagMarni) left when DD-Shilo was unable to move without support from DD-Bodyguard, and the population of the party was cut roughly in half.

We had a few good debates as we all sobered up, and by this point I was quite aware that I was attracted to DD-MagMarni, and that she was attracted to me while sober. Before that party, all I knew about her was that she had good taste in wine and sang opera, which is enough to get NathanRepo hot and bothered, but neither one is particularly attractive to me. Throughout the course of the night I was given many things to be attracted to, not the least of which being that she has a good vocabulary and is pretty actively bisexual. Definitely a turn-on for the transman with a hard-on for proper English.

After the debates, most of us were sober enough to stagger home and enough people filtered out that it was just me, NathanRepo, DD-MagMarni, ZWhore, and DrunkGirl, who didn't count because she was passed out in DD-MagMarni's bed. [ZWhore was a really mellow guy who had been flirting with me all night by stealing my Z and hiding it in inventive places in his clothing. I wasn't really interested in him, but it was a fun game to play.]

At some point we all collapsed into a lump on DD-MagMarni's futon, with me lying across ZWhore, NathanRepo's head on ZWhore's lap, and DD-MagMarni curled up to my chest. I think I've made it pretty clear to all of you, internet annonymice, that I could really use some girl-on-me action, and considering I had a beautiful woman lying next to/on top of me, I'm quite surprised that I managed to hold a reasonable fascimile of a conversation.

After a bit of us lying on her futon, our generous hostess pleaded exhaustion, and she and I retired to her room, leaving the boys to share the futon. (Don't get any funny ideas, annonymice, remember that DrunkGirl was still passed out in that bed. I'm just as disappointed as you are). I woke up the next morning to DD-MagMarni getting out of bed, and a fuzzy memory of being spooned by DrunkGirl before she got up and left in the wee hours of the morning.

NathanRepo, DD-MagMarni and I chilled in her living room until she had somewhere to be, and in that span of time, the quote of the weekend was spoken: DD-MagMarni: "I love threesomes. Especially when another girl is involved."

She was completely serious, and looking directly at me when she said it. I needed a towel.

And, leaving out only the many hours of sleep on Sunday, was my weekend. I didn't get laid on opening night, I didn't get any action at DD-MagMarni's party (except for DD-Shilo feeding me a Reeses, which I'm not counting because she was pretty much floored and therefore not at all serious), and I'm currently exhausted and dreading NaNoWriMo, but you know what? This was the best weekend I've ever had.

How did your Halloween '09 go, annonymice?

[Edited To Add: I didn't go trick-or-treating for the first time ever this Halloween, and it feels like a milestone. I would have thought that this would be a depressing milestone, but it's actually pretty okay. I had a good time even without gorging myself on candy.]

I am vain enough to believe everyone wants me. Female, male, other; straight, gay, bisexual; young, old, in-between; single, married, engaged, dating- I think they all want in my pants. This has proven to be true often enough to reinforce this belief, but I'm realistic enough to realize that some rare people really and truly are not interested in having sex with me.

Normally, after the first month of knowing someone, I stop operating on the assumption that they're attracted to me, and start looking for actual signs: flirting, touching, that sort of thing. Whether or not I'm attracted to the person, I automatically look for and categorize these signs. To my credit, I've never in my adult life read as being attracted to me when they weren't, though there are times when I'm blindsided by someone wanting my assmeats.

Tonight was one of those times.

We had Repo! practice tonight (for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, backtrack one entry and all shall become less muddy), and it was the first time we had the entire cast. First of all, that in and of itself is a turn-on. I love this movie, love being onstage, and the combination is enough to make me a very horny boy.

Second of all, I talked to AmberSweet about the choreography to Zydrate Anatomy (long story short, we make out), and, assured in the fact that she really was okay with it, the choreography went as written, hotness ensued. I have not kissed a woman since the Madonna Achievement (a threesome with NathanRepo and a female friend of ours), and I have not kissed a woman like that since Rabbit, my latest ex. AmberSweet came up to me after we had cleared the stage and told me we had fogged her glasses up.

True story.

Also, her boyfriend Faceman (and let me stop to say that they have got to be the funniest couple I have ever met. They play off one another perfectly) had been openly making sexual gestures at me. Whenever we had downtime, he was pelvic thrusting, or making sexually suggestive faces at me. At the time, I chalked it up to him being a silly, fun guy, and assumed that he wasn't serious. I was wrong.

It was an exhausting but fun night, and by the end of it, I had rather forgotten about both fogging AmberSweet's glasses and about Faceman not-really-but-kinda hitting on me. I was tired and ready to go home.

We only had three cars between the whole nine-plus-Faceman cast, and one of those couldn't have anyone but NathanRepo in it, because it had all of our props stuffed into it. The car arrangements went as follows: Rotti, Shilo, Pavi and Luigi in Rotti's car; Faceman, AmberSweet, Everyman, MagMarni and I in AmberSweet's car; and Nathan chilling with the props.

(Sidenote: NathanRepo wanted me to come by his place after rehearsal, but for a lot of weak reasons [needing to wash clothes, which I definitely could have done at his house, wanting to relax, again could have done at his house, and other such small things] and one strong reason [my gut was telling me that riding with Faceman and AmberSweet would be a good thing] I ended up opting out. Thank the gods for an accurate gut instinct.)

I love Everyman to death, and whenever we're together hilarity ensues, but then you add in Faceman and AmberSweet, who are just fun people, and MagMarni, who is definitely NOT used to our sexual openness and general flamboyant attitude, and something better than hilarity ensues.

On the way there we had been playing one of those car games where the clothes are taken off by the loser(s) (and seriously, if there's a faster way to get comfortable with your castmates, I've yet to find it), but we had started late in the trip, and it hadn't really gotten interesting. On the way back, we were playing from the get-go, and we were definitely playing for keeps.

Playing a sexual game, being sexual people, and just having rehearsed a very sexy movie, naturally the topic was on sex most of the trip, and I said that one of my sexual goals was to have sex on a kitchen island (for those of you who don't know, when there's cabinet/counterspace in the middle of a kitchen without it being attatched to a wall, it's called a kitchen island). Faceman then said that AmberSweet's house had a kitchen island, and he added (rather pointedly), that she owed him at a threesome.

Let's back up a little. I made out with his girlfriend (with his consent!) not two hours before he said this, and he'd been making sexual gestures at me all night. Normally I try not to jump to conclusions when people say things that can be misconstrued, but I don't think anyone in the car missed what he was implying. But wait, there's more.

Later on in the conversation, I mentioned that the last threesome I'd had had been with a woman I hadn't known was pregnant (pregnant women scare me, and I can't think of that threesome without getting vaguely uncomfortable), and I really needed to have another to erase the preggo-threesome. AmberSweet then said that I could have a twofer and get both the kitchen island achievement and a threesome that wasn't with a married woman.

There's still more.

MagMarni then asked AmberSweet (and I have to say that I love MagMarni for being so direct): So, are you guys going to have a threesome? AmberSweet's response: It's a possibility.

Let's back-

No, fuck that, I'll just say it: they propositioned me.

There's no two ways about it; I was propositioned, I enjoyed it, and hell if I'm not considering taking them up on it. I was so startled by it at the time that all I could do was reflexively flirt (and for being off-balance, I think I did rather well for myself; I like to think they both know I'm intrigued by their proposition), but now that I'm logically disassembling their behavior, it makes perfect sense, and I think I'll go through with it if they were serious. After all, AmberSweet is exactly my brand of tea physically, and Everyman is a cool, funny guy.

Rotti made a joke the other day that we'd all get laid after our opening night show. Here's hoping that mine'll be a threesome with Everyman and AmberSweet.

on Friday we had Repo! practice. it was very productive, and fun was had by all, including me.

for those who have never seen Repo! The Genetic Opera, the cast is as follows:
Nathan Wallace is a middle-aged man who makes his living violently repossessing organs that were financed by the GeneCo company. due to the dangerous and dark natures of his job, he keeps his identity secret from both the general public and his daughter:
Shilo Wallace, a teenage girl who has an unnamed blood disease that keeps her confined to her room. unbeknownst to her father, she sneaks out to visit her mother's tomb regularly. it is on one of these visits that she meets:
The Graverobber, a drug dealer who sells the highly-addictive drug Zydrate. he sells the drug on the black market to a variety of customers, most notably:
Amber Sweet, a spoiled plastic surgery addict and one of three children of the GeneCo founder. she doesn't get along with either of her brothers, but comes in conflict the most with her brother:
Luigi Largo, who has a temper hotter than the sun and a father powerful enough to keep him out of trouble when he loses control and kills someone. though he seems to hate everyone equally, Luigi is particularly unfond of his brother:
Pavi Largo, who cuts off people's faces and wears them as a mask. all three of them are a disappointment to their father:
Rotti Largo, the founder of GeneCo. he is the most powerful man in the world (or at least the city that Repo! takes place in), but even he can't stop the resignation of:
"Blind" Mag, an opera singer who is called the "Voice of GeneCo" because of her position as a performer for GeneCo.

I play the Graverobber in our shadowcast (for those of you who don't know what that means, think Rocky Horror Picture Show). I love it, but it happens to be a particularly challenging role: his performance in the movie gives little away as far as body language, motivation, or background. he is, more or less, only the narrator and a way to show the audience that the world has become a darker place than it is now.

The relationship between him and Amber Sweet is particularly challenging for me, because the movie is pretty explicit about it. there are no sex scenes (or, trust me, we couldn't get away with shadowcasting it at a respectable place), but they do make out, and as I am the Graverobber, I have to make out with our Amber.

our original Amber was a personal friend of mine, and I was pretty sure that making out with her on stage would only be professional and it would neither hurt nor change our friendship. however, that Amber goes to school three hours away, and so therefore will not be joining us until she's done with that phase of college.

I was really nervous about the new Amber. not only do I have the standard problem of basic chemistry, I was going to have to make out with this girl onstage, and I'm not the kind of guy to make out with random strangers. she didn't have to be someone I trusted as well I do our original Amber, but we had to get along and I had to believe she wasn't going to give me something nasty.

the Amber we found? first of all, she has the body to play Amber. for those of you who don't know what that means, look it up. go ahead, I'll wait.

yeah. you understand now.

second of all, I'm pretty sure she's clean, as she's dating a friend of mine (a new friend, so MAYBE I wouldn't have heard, but I'm okay with giving him the benefit of the doubt), so there goes one of my basic objections.

third and last, the chemistry is on FIRE.

so I have no real good reason not to make out with her as per the movie (except for her boyfriend, who is just generally a Zen guy and doesn't care at all, making that another non-reason), and that's exactly what's going to happen.

however, today during practice, we were trying to get down the basics, so there was no tongue, but during Zydrate Anatomy-

okay, for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Zydrate Anatomy is a scene in which I, the Graverobber, am surrounded by drug addicts begging me for a hit of Z(ydrate). about a minute into the song, along comes Amber Sweet, demanding her dose of Z. Amber often pays me in sex rather than money, and that's the payment she's come with this time. sexiness ensues.

she grinds against me, she gives me the bedroom eyes, and we end up making out. as I've said, today we were just trying to get the basics down, so no making out, BUT I haven't held a woman in three months. it definitely had an effect on me.

this effect had nothing to do with the particular woman in my arms. it could have been any woman (well, not any woman, but at this point I'm not as picky as I was). she was there against me, and the sheer fact of a woman pressed that close... let me say that it hit me like Rick James, and I went down (mentally, that is, physically I carried on with practice) like the French in war time.

I'm bisexual, and I'm okay with that. men are cool and all, but women are AMAZING, and practice really reminded me that what I'm looking for in life is a woman and not a man. I respect her boyfriend too much to make a pass at Amber, but for a split-second I was overwhelmed and could not think.

and, in addition to reminding me that I'm a nymphomaniac without a nymph, I was also reminded that the only women that have flirted with me of late are taken. they start at commitment level serious boyfriend and move on up to married with a child.

fuck my life.

a few days ago, I saw a note on Facebook that had the title, "Ways To Make Your Girlfriend Feel Loved", or something to that effect. feeling somewhat sentimental, and also mildly depressed and in need of a pickmeup, I clicked and proceeded to read. most of the tips were "aww, yeah, that'd be nice" moments for girls and "does she seriously want me to do that?" moments for guys; things like, "send her random texts/messages" and "when she's upset, just listen. don't rationalize her worries or try to explain.". then, however, was something that me audibly headdesk: "Kiss her on the forehead or cheek. nice girls, ones like me, much prefer that to a full blown makeout session."

what. the. fuck.

don't get me wrong. I'm very much a "whatever floats your ferret" kind of guy, and normally an opinion contrary to mine will just make me shrug and go about my buisiness, but I HATE it when it's implied that sexual contact is dirty or slutty, and society (let me stop here for a moment to say that when I meantion "society", I mean American society, as I do not know enough about Eastern, Mid-Eastern, African or European society to analyze them) seems to think that sex is somehow wrong, or that nice girls don't fuck.

I like to think of myself as a Renaissance man, and I have yet to find a religion or culture that actively condemns marital sex between a man and a woman. many of them frown upon premarital, extramarital, or homosexual sex, but everyone seems to agree that heterosexuals having marital sex is all well and good, even if some religions say it should only be for procreation's sake.

the problem here is that we were all told, growing up, that sex itself was wrong and we shouldn't be having it. we were told that sex was "dirty", "naughty", and "sinful", and that whoever had it was going to Hell. I myself don't think that anyone is going to be Judged for having consensual sex, but even if we're talking those strict Christians/Muslims/Jews who happen to have some very ironclad thoughts about sex, what they SHOULD have been saying is that extramarital/premarital/homosexual sex is wrong, and that married sex is perfectly okay.

but they didn't, and so now we've got a whole slew of people (the ones who were "nice" kids growing up: the obedient ones who ate their vegetables, did their homework, and cleaned their room when asked) thinking that sex is wrong, even in a context that their religion/culture says is okay, because somebody fucked up and didn't add an adjective. they grew up believing that there was something inherently wrong about sex, and now, even though they intellectually know that it's okay to have sex with your spouse, they're still going to hesitate and feel bad about doing it, because of the indoctrination that so many American teenagers had growing up.

I am actually pretty fond of the girl who posted that note, and I know she probably didn't mean to offend anyone or imply that girls who prefer making out aren't "nice", but no matter who you are, there is nothing inherently WRONG about a woman genuinely enjoying making love to her husband.

before I get onto a rant about how woman/woman and man/man sex is okay too (and any other consensual pairing), I'm going to end this rant with a quote from the Bible: "go forth and multiply". which, by the way, requires sex.

An introduction, and then some

A "Gold Star Lesbian" is, as explained at the top of my blog, one who has never slept with a man and never plans to. As a former Gold Star, a current transman, and a current poly, I'm straddling (if you'll excuse the pun) a lot of sexual boundaries. This blog probably won't stay on those thoughts all the time, but I definitely plan on exploring some sexual topics with this blog. If you don't like it, well, nobody's making you read this, now are they?

...Are they?

I am incredibly honest. If you ask me a question, chances are I'll answer it with more detail than you wanted. Sometimes, if it's a sensitive topic, I'll ask if you're sure you want honesty, but don't count on it.

I enjoy my men like I enjoy my rum: in short, intense bursts.
Likewise, I prefer my women like I prefer my wine: plentiful and strong.