I am vain enough to believe everyone wants me. Female, male, other; straight, gay, bisexual; young, old, in-between; single, married, engaged, dating- I think they all want in my pants. This has proven to be true often enough to reinforce this belief, but I'm realistic enough to realize that some rare people really and truly are not interested in having sex with me.

Normally, after the first month of knowing someone, I stop operating on the assumption that they're attracted to me, and start looking for actual signs: flirting, touching, that sort of thing. Whether or not I'm attracted to the person, I automatically look for and categorize these signs. To my credit, I've never in my adult life read as being attracted to me when they weren't, though there are times when I'm blindsided by someone wanting my assmeats.

Tonight was one of those times.

We had Repo! practice tonight (for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, backtrack one entry and all shall become less muddy), and it was the first time we had the entire cast. First of all, that in and of itself is a turn-on. I love this movie, love being onstage, and the combination is enough to make me a very horny boy.

Second of all, I talked to AmberSweet about the choreography to Zydrate Anatomy (long story short, we make out), and, assured in the fact that she really was okay with it, the choreography went as written, hotness ensued. I have not kissed a woman since the Madonna Achievement (a threesome with NathanRepo and a female friend of ours), and I have not kissed a woman like that since Rabbit, my latest ex. AmberSweet came up to me after we had cleared the stage and told me we had fogged her glasses up.

True story.

Also, her boyfriend Faceman (and let me stop to say that they have got to be the funniest couple I have ever met. They play off one another perfectly) had been openly making sexual gestures at me. Whenever we had downtime, he was pelvic thrusting, or making sexually suggestive faces at me. At the time, I chalked it up to him being a silly, fun guy, and assumed that he wasn't serious. I was wrong.

It was an exhausting but fun night, and by the end of it, I had rather forgotten about both fogging AmberSweet's glasses and about Faceman not-really-but-kinda hitting on me. I was tired and ready to go home.

We only had three cars between the whole nine-plus-Faceman cast, and one of those couldn't have anyone but NathanRepo in it, because it had all of our props stuffed into it. The car arrangements went as follows: Rotti, Shilo, Pavi and Luigi in Rotti's car; Faceman, AmberSweet, Everyman, MagMarni and I in AmberSweet's car; and Nathan chilling with the props.

(Sidenote: NathanRepo wanted me to come by his place after rehearsal, but for a lot of weak reasons [needing to wash clothes, which I definitely could have done at his house, wanting to relax, again could have done at his house, and other such small things] and one strong reason [my gut was telling me that riding with Faceman and AmberSweet would be a good thing] I ended up opting out. Thank the gods for an accurate gut instinct.)

I love Everyman to death, and whenever we're together hilarity ensues, but then you add in Faceman and AmberSweet, who are just fun people, and MagMarni, who is definitely NOT used to our sexual openness and general flamboyant attitude, and something better than hilarity ensues.

On the way there we had been playing one of those car games where the clothes are taken off by the loser(s) (and seriously, if there's a faster way to get comfortable with your castmates, I've yet to find it), but we had started late in the trip, and it hadn't really gotten interesting. On the way back, we were playing from the get-go, and we were definitely playing for keeps.

Playing a sexual game, being sexual people, and just having rehearsed a very sexy movie, naturally the topic was on sex most of the trip, and I said that one of my sexual goals was to have sex on a kitchen island (for those of you who don't know, when there's cabinet/counterspace in the middle of a kitchen without it being attatched to a wall, it's called a kitchen island). Faceman then said that AmberSweet's house had a kitchen island, and he added (rather pointedly), that she owed him at a threesome.

Let's back up a little. I made out with his girlfriend (with his consent!) not two hours before he said this, and he'd been making sexual gestures at me all night. Normally I try not to jump to conclusions when people say things that can be misconstrued, but I don't think anyone in the car missed what he was implying. But wait, there's more.

Later on in the conversation, I mentioned that the last threesome I'd had had been with a woman I hadn't known was pregnant (pregnant women scare me, and I can't think of that threesome without getting vaguely uncomfortable), and I really needed to have another to erase the preggo-threesome. AmberSweet then said that I could have a twofer and get both the kitchen island achievement and a threesome that wasn't with a married woman.

There's still more.

MagMarni then asked AmberSweet (and I have to say that I love MagMarni for being so direct): So, are you guys going to have a threesome? AmberSweet's response: It's a possibility.

Let's back-

No, fuck that, I'll just say it: they propositioned me.

There's no two ways about it; I was propositioned, I enjoyed it, and hell if I'm not considering taking them up on it. I was so startled by it at the time that all I could do was reflexively flirt (and for being off-balance, I think I did rather well for myself; I like to think they both know I'm intrigued by their proposition), but now that I'm logically disassembling their behavior, it makes perfect sense, and I think I'll go through with it if they were serious. After all, AmberSweet is exactly my brand of tea physically, and Everyman is a cool, funny guy.

Rotti made a joke the other day that we'd all get laid after our opening night show. Here's hoping that mine'll be a threesome with Everyman and AmberSweet.

on Friday we had Repo! practice. it was very productive, and fun was had by all, including me.

for those who have never seen Repo! The Genetic Opera, the cast is as follows:
Nathan Wallace is a middle-aged man who makes his living violently repossessing organs that were financed by the GeneCo company. due to the dangerous and dark natures of his job, he keeps his identity secret from both the general public and his daughter:
Shilo Wallace, a teenage girl who has an unnamed blood disease that keeps her confined to her room. unbeknownst to her father, she sneaks out to visit her mother's tomb regularly. it is on one of these visits that she meets:
The Graverobber, a drug dealer who sells the highly-addictive drug Zydrate. he sells the drug on the black market to a variety of customers, most notably:
Amber Sweet, a spoiled plastic surgery addict and one of three children of the GeneCo founder. she doesn't get along with either of her brothers, but comes in conflict the most with her brother:
Luigi Largo, who has a temper hotter than the sun and a father powerful enough to keep him out of trouble when he loses control and kills someone. though he seems to hate everyone equally, Luigi is particularly unfond of his brother:
Pavi Largo, who cuts off people's faces and wears them as a mask. all three of them are a disappointment to their father:
Rotti Largo, the founder of GeneCo. he is the most powerful man in the world (or at least the city that Repo! takes place in), but even he can't stop the resignation of:
"Blind" Mag, an opera singer who is called the "Voice of GeneCo" because of her position as a performer for GeneCo.

I play the Graverobber in our shadowcast (for those of you who don't know what that means, think Rocky Horror Picture Show). I love it, but it happens to be a particularly challenging role: his performance in the movie gives little away as far as body language, motivation, or background. he is, more or less, only the narrator and a way to show the audience that the world has become a darker place than it is now.

The relationship between him and Amber Sweet is particularly challenging for me, because the movie is pretty explicit about it. there are no sex scenes (or, trust me, we couldn't get away with shadowcasting it at a respectable place), but they do make out, and as I am the Graverobber, I have to make out with our Amber.

our original Amber was a personal friend of mine, and I was pretty sure that making out with her on stage would only be professional and it would neither hurt nor change our friendship. however, that Amber goes to school three hours away, and so therefore will not be joining us until she's done with that phase of college.

I was really nervous about the new Amber. not only do I have the standard problem of basic chemistry, I was going to have to make out with this girl onstage, and I'm not the kind of guy to make out with random strangers. she didn't have to be someone I trusted as well I do our original Amber, but we had to get along and I had to believe she wasn't going to give me something nasty.

the Amber we found? first of all, she has the body to play Amber. for those of you who don't know what that means, look it up. go ahead, I'll wait.

yeah. you understand now.

second of all, I'm pretty sure she's clean, as she's dating a friend of mine (a new friend, so MAYBE I wouldn't have heard, but I'm okay with giving him the benefit of the doubt), so there goes one of my basic objections.

third and last, the chemistry is on FIRE.

so I have no real good reason not to make out with her as per the movie (except for her boyfriend, who is just generally a Zen guy and doesn't care at all, making that another non-reason), and that's exactly what's going to happen.

however, today during practice, we were trying to get down the basics, so there was no tongue, but during Zydrate Anatomy-

okay, for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Zydrate Anatomy is a scene in which I, the Graverobber, am surrounded by drug addicts begging me for a hit of Z(ydrate). about a minute into the song, along comes Amber Sweet, demanding her dose of Z. Amber often pays me in sex rather than money, and that's the payment she's come with this time. sexiness ensues.

she grinds against me, she gives me the bedroom eyes, and we end up making out. as I've said, today we were just trying to get the basics down, so no making out, BUT I haven't held a woman in three months. it definitely had an effect on me.

this effect had nothing to do with the particular woman in my arms. it could have been any woman (well, not any woman, but at this point I'm not as picky as I was). she was there against me, and the sheer fact of a woman pressed that close... let me say that it hit me like Rick James, and I went down (mentally, that is, physically I carried on with practice) like the French in war time.

I'm bisexual, and I'm okay with that. men are cool and all, but women are AMAZING, and practice really reminded me that what I'm looking for in life is a woman and not a man. I respect her boyfriend too much to make a pass at Amber, but for a split-second I was overwhelmed and could not think.

and, in addition to reminding me that I'm a nymphomaniac without a nymph, I was also reminded that the only women that have flirted with me of late are taken. they start at commitment level serious boyfriend and move on up to married with a child.

fuck my life.

a few days ago, I saw a note on Facebook that had the title, "Ways To Make Your Girlfriend Feel Loved", or something to that effect. feeling somewhat sentimental, and also mildly depressed and in need of a pickmeup, I clicked and proceeded to read. most of the tips were "aww, yeah, that'd be nice" moments for girls and "does she seriously want me to do that?" moments for guys; things like, "send her random texts/messages" and "when she's upset, just listen. don't rationalize her worries or try to explain.". then, however, was something that me audibly headdesk: "Kiss her on the forehead or cheek. nice girls, ones like me, much prefer that to a full blown makeout session."

what. the. fuck.

don't get me wrong. I'm very much a "whatever floats your ferret" kind of guy, and normally an opinion contrary to mine will just make me shrug and go about my buisiness, but I HATE it when it's implied that sexual contact is dirty or slutty, and society (let me stop here for a moment to say that when I meantion "society", I mean American society, as I do not know enough about Eastern, Mid-Eastern, African or European society to analyze them) seems to think that sex is somehow wrong, or that nice girls don't fuck.

I like to think of myself as a Renaissance man, and I have yet to find a religion or culture that actively condemns marital sex between a man and a woman. many of them frown upon premarital, extramarital, or homosexual sex, but everyone seems to agree that heterosexuals having marital sex is all well and good, even if some religions say it should only be for procreation's sake.

the problem here is that we were all told, growing up, that sex itself was wrong and we shouldn't be having it. we were told that sex was "dirty", "naughty", and "sinful", and that whoever had it was going to Hell. I myself don't think that anyone is going to be Judged for having consensual sex, but even if we're talking those strict Christians/Muslims/Jews who happen to have some very ironclad thoughts about sex, what they SHOULD have been saying is that extramarital/premarital/homosexual sex is wrong, and that married sex is perfectly okay.

but they didn't, and so now we've got a whole slew of people (the ones who were "nice" kids growing up: the obedient ones who ate their vegetables, did their homework, and cleaned their room when asked) thinking that sex is wrong, even in a context that their religion/culture says is okay, because somebody fucked up and didn't add an adjective. they grew up believing that there was something inherently wrong about sex, and now, even though they intellectually know that it's okay to have sex with your spouse, they're still going to hesitate and feel bad about doing it, because of the indoctrination that so many American teenagers had growing up.

I am actually pretty fond of the girl who posted that note, and I know she probably didn't mean to offend anyone or imply that girls who prefer making out aren't "nice", but no matter who you are, there is nothing inherently WRONG about a woman genuinely enjoying making love to her husband.

before I get onto a rant about how woman/woman and man/man sex is okay too (and any other consensual pairing), I'm going to end this rant with a quote from the Bible: "go forth and multiply". which, by the way, requires sex.

An introduction, and then some

A "Gold Star Lesbian" is, as explained at the top of my blog, one who has never slept with a man and never plans to. As a former Gold Star, a current transman, and a current poly, I'm straddling (if you'll excuse the pun) a lot of sexual boundaries. This blog probably won't stay on those thoughts all the time, but I definitely plan on exploring some sexual topics with this blog. If you don't like it, well, nobody's making you read this, now are they?

...Are they?

I am incredibly honest. If you ask me a question, chances are I'll answer it with more detail than you wanted. Sometimes, if it's a sensitive topic, I'll ask if you're sure you want honesty, but don't count on it.

I enjoy my men like I enjoy my rum: in short, intense bursts.
Likewise, I prefer my women like I prefer my wine: plentiful and strong.