You will never know what violation is until you are a man who bleeds every month.
Every second I think about menstruation, every time I'm reminded of it, I have to bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying out at the injustice of it. It's worse than having breasts, worse than the sheer fact of having a vagina, worse than not being able to grow a beard or being taken for a woman no matter how hard I work at passing.
I've been raped. This is so, so much worse.
This happens every 28 days for four days. Lucky me, I bleed heavily. Even more lucky me, I get cramps to kill a small animal. To pile on top of that, I can't take painkillers unless I'm dying, because I become physically dependent on them. Oh, and I get fatigue, worse so because I'm a vegetarian and my iron level is already suspect, and I am intermittently nauseous. Poster child for Murphy's Law, right here.
The worst part of it is not the bleeding, or BEING A WOMAN, it's that it is never going to change. I am too afraid of surgery and needles, too afraid to tell my family, too worried that I will fuck up the body I have irreparably. I have a nice body. On a good day, I can admit that. It's not the body I want, but it's better than most people get, and I sometimes feel ungrateful for wanting to change it.
But on days like today, where I'm curled up in a little ball trying to stifle my cries of pain and violation, I'm more than ready to go to a hospital and demand they fix this shit.
No religion can tell me about Hell. I already know.
[End note: I spent a good deal of my Senior year of high school addicted to ibuprofen, because I have a bad knee and have a genetic predisposition toward addiction. Now that I'm off the stuff, I can't take it more than once or I go through withdrawal: temperature regulation problems, phantom pain. I know nobody ever sucked dick for Tylenol, but it IS an addiction and I'm suffering because of it, so all the "hardcore addicts" can shut their face if they don't want to take me seriously.]
16 December 2009
03 December 2009
Try Honesty
When I started this blog, I swore that I would be honest, no matter what happened. I swore that the only changes I would make to the truth is that I would change people's name, and maybe not air any of their terribly, terribly personal dirty laundry. And so, in that spirit, I'm going to describe my current state of affairs.
I'm sleeping with someone that causes me complications, both physical and mental. I'm ridiculously attracted to someone who is much, much more together than I am. I'm simultaneously attracted to and wary of someone who is very much in love with me. I fear for losing my Twin. I miss Rabbit. All I want to do with my life is perform, but I'm too scared to chase my dreams. I have no motivation to do anything.
I want, right now, to abandon everyone but my Twin (because I cannot [not will not, cannot] abandon someone who is so much a part of me), and be alone. The reason that springs to mind is that I can't allow myself to depend on anyone, but I can't help but think that it isn't always weak to rely on others. Especially not if you do it as seldom as I do. And yet...?
I've always tried to be self-sufficient. For all I talk, anyone that really thinks about it will know that I don't say much of anything. I tell a lot of stories, and talk about people I know and care about, but I don't really talk about myself, my views, my beliefs. Up until just this past year, most of my friends didn't even know I'd been born on the East Coast.
Information is power. The more someone knows about you, the more they can manipulate you, the easier they can use you. I have things I've never trusted anyone with, things that fester inside like cancer. There are even things I've not told my Twin, not because he wouldn't understand or accept them, but because I cannot force myself to trust even him with certain things.
Some people cannot turn their back to someone unless they trust them. I know I can handle myself with all but the most specialized, trained people, and so turning my back on someone isn't a true test. Some people cannot sleep with someone unless they trust them. That's not so for me, though I will admit that I won't truly submit to someone unless they have more trust than I've yet given to anyone. (except to Rabbit, but that happens to be its own story)
A true show of trust, for me, is to tell someone something I consider sensitive information. If I tell you, for example, about my religious/spiritual beliefs, it's a show of trust. If I tell you about where I've lived and how I've lived, it's a show of trust.
"No matter how trust-worthy someone may seem, there is always a let down." This has practically been my life story, and it's growing old. I lost Rabbit to my own insecurities and paranoia, and I know not only do I not deserve her back, it's unlikely I'll find another like her.
And I'm sure I could continue on in this vein for quite a while, but unfortunately for those of you annonymice who are actually interested in my laments, I have a Final to do and Heroes to catch up on. C'est la vie.
I'm sleeping with someone that causes me complications, both physical and mental. I'm ridiculously attracted to someone who is much, much more together than I am. I'm simultaneously attracted to and wary of someone who is very much in love with me. I fear for losing my Twin. I miss Rabbit. All I want to do with my life is perform, but I'm too scared to chase my dreams. I have no motivation to do anything.
I want, right now, to abandon everyone but my Twin (because I cannot [not will not, cannot] abandon someone who is so much a part of me), and be alone. The reason that springs to mind is that I can't allow myself to depend on anyone, but I can't help but think that it isn't always weak to rely on others. Especially not if you do it as seldom as I do. And yet...?
I've always tried to be self-sufficient. For all I talk, anyone that really thinks about it will know that I don't say much of anything. I tell a lot of stories, and talk about people I know and care about, but I don't really talk about myself, my views, my beliefs. Up until just this past year, most of my friends didn't even know I'd been born on the East Coast.
Information is power. The more someone knows about you, the more they can manipulate you, the easier they can use you. I have things I've never trusted anyone with, things that fester inside like cancer. There are even things I've not told my Twin, not because he wouldn't understand or accept them, but because I cannot force myself to trust even him with certain things.
Some people cannot turn their back to someone unless they trust them. I know I can handle myself with all but the most specialized, trained people, and so turning my back on someone isn't a true test. Some people cannot sleep with someone unless they trust them. That's not so for me, though I will admit that I won't truly submit to someone unless they have more trust than I've yet given to anyone. (except to Rabbit, but that happens to be its own story)
A true show of trust, for me, is to tell someone something I consider sensitive information. If I tell you, for example, about my religious/spiritual beliefs, it's a show of trust. If I tell you about where I've lived and how I've lived, it's a show of trust.
"No matter how trust-worthy someone may seem, there is always a let down." This has practically been my life story, and it's growing old. I lost Rabbit to my own insecurities and paranoia, and I know not only do I not deserve her back, it's unlikely I'll find another like her.
And I'm sure I could continue on in this vein for quite a while, but unfortunately for those of you annonymice who are actually interested in my laments, I have a Final to do and Heroes to catch up on. C'est la vie.
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